he is doing better than expected, considering that he's still here. if ryo were honest, he would admit that if it weren't for jd, he probably would have gone for the option to obliterate himself on more than one occasion. but a part of him worried that akira might show up and see that his cat was alone, and that he'd hate ryo for it. so here he is.
but he continued to live and deal with the annoyances and failures of it. ]
I'm okay. Hell really isn't that bad once you're out of the newbie area.
[It’s an answer which tells him nothing. A back and forth, superficial between them. He didn’t ask the real questions, and so Ryo hasn’t given him the answers he thought he might hear. That he worried he might hear.
He glances away with his eyes, debating, and then looks at Ryo again.]
... you can stay here with me. There's a room we can turn into a bedroom for you.
[ he doesn't want to assume that akira would just. live with him. it's really not that difficult to get your own place, especially considering they know alex who is pretty willing to make the transition as smooth as possible for them.
that said, if akira did say he would prefer to live elsewhere then that will just be another mark under the 'days until ryo snaps again' column but it's fine. ]
[He hesitates thoughtfully. He doesn’t want to insult Ryo or Kaoru by leaping right back into the same behaviors before… and yet, there isn’t any point, is there, in acting as if they don’t have history?
Kaoru isn’t here. The others aren’t here either. Not that he’s seen. And, honestly, he’s glad because none of them deserved hell the way he and Ryo do.]
[ listen it's fine. they'd have separate bedrooms, that's having some boundaries. and in general, ryo doesn't really leave his room that often anyway and he doesn't see that changing much even with akira here. ]
I'll get furniture for you. [ ... ] Do you want to see the rest of the house?
[ there's only so much small talk they can do, but at least a tour is something useful. ]
[Damn, he can do something maybe for the hospitality. Look. He has had a while to be forced to endure high society and social norms and everything the demon side of him struggled with always.
He takes up the bottle Ryo brought him, careful of the cat by his feet.]
[ he nods and will lead the way. the house is large, but not really in a 'this is for very rich people' way and more just it is simply noticeably too big for just one person. the area they're in goes right to a living room, with a table and a couple of couches and a very big television mounted on the wall. a little beyond that and around a corner is a very well stocked and fancy kitchen. probably too fancy, considering ryo barely eats, but it's there.
also on this floor is a bathroom and a library filled with shelves and shelves of books and scrolls and papers, obviously collected over decades. the laundry room is down here too. there's a door leading out to the backyard that's primarily just forest.
upstairs is ryo's bedroom. just like in canon, his bed is too fuckin big because he will never suffer a bunk bed ever again. there's another large bathroom, and then down the hall there's another room that was probably also meant to be a bedroom but right now it's an office. ]
I can move this into my room.
[ everything is the same neat and tidy throughout the whole house, although there are stray cat items strewn about here and there because ryo has clearly given up on expecting jd to not leave toys around. ]
[Both Akira and the cat trail after Ryo. The house is… very Ryo. He would not be surprised if this was a House of Leaves house honestly.
For a while longer than the rest, he lingers in the library room to be nosy and look at Ryo’s books. He is still not a book person in terms of loving to read and study, but he is… curious whether or not this will tell him more about Ryo during their time apart.
Finally, he joins Ryo again to see the rest of the house, trying not to snicker about the toys. JD is so indifferent about the mess, though the similarities between a cat and Ryo don’t go by Akira unnoticed. ]
I’ll help you move it when you want. Or you can just leave it, and I’ll sleep around it.
You’re house is pretty cool. Do you even use half of it like you did your old apartment?
[ unsurprisingly, a lot of the books are about demonology and religion. but there's other things, like various novels and non-fiction things, as well as a lot of scientific research. what might stand out more is that a good chunk of them is also from teyvat, although the only way akira might probably realize this is some of them being titled by potentially familiar sounding words, like inazuma and archons. ]
We can move it, it's fine.
[ leaving ryo's stuff in that room means ryo would have reason to go into it, and right now he is too unsure about where they stand for that to be a good idea. ]
[Can’t remember if he ever learned anything that telling from Scaramouche or his memories, but it’s fine. Imagine knowing one of Scaramouche’s original names, but not where the fuck he is from exactly.]
You don’t have to worry about it right now. I can sleep on your couch until we get it moved. I don’t mind.
[He wouldn’t mind Ryo coming in to the office if the rooms had been merged either, but he gets… the weirdness, so he doesn’t push it.]
[ HELP akira like "i know this very intimate detail about you but not where you're from" that's fair
but ryo nods his head, and then is... not entirely sure where to go from here. the same awkwardness from their last time together is starting to creep in again, and it's something they're going to have to figure out how to push past somehow. probably by talking. ryo still has no fucking idea how to talk about feelings because he has not been around anyone who tries to force him to do that since they separated.
he plays with a strand of his hair. ]
Mm, we'll see. You can take my bed too for now, if you'd like. I don't sleep that much anyway.
[Ryo isn’t the only one drowning in awkwardness. It makes him sad Ryo doesn’t sleep much, but only because he is more human leaning. He associates sleep and lack of sleep with mood, and he needs to remember Ryo isn’t human.
He takes a moment to glance around the office idly again before looking back at Ryo, watching Ryo play with the hair.
Coming back, meeting, he thought perhaps his feelings may have dulled enough to keep him grounded. But no… He is too emotional. Too empathetic. The fire of dormant interest starts rekindling, and he shifts his weight.]
I don’t mind that either. Ryo…
[He trails off, unsure of what would be best to even say.]
[ ugghhhh yeah he should have known that just saying he's fine and moving on wouldn't really fool akira, but it's been a while. ryo doesn't answer right away, choosing to think over some kind of response. ]
I have lived for a very long time, but time hasn't moved any more slowly than these years.
[ as someone who has been around since the universe was newly born, ryo didn't really think waiting around would be as agonizing as this. then again, he only had a human form fairly recently. living as one has likely impacted some things that weren't really an issue before, whether he likes it or not. ]
I've wanted to die. I've wanted to forget you. I've wanted to start a new life. I've wanted to kiss you again. I don't know how to answer how I've been, because I'm not sure other than I am alive and here, and now you're in front of me.
[While it hurts him to hear the truth, he does want to know how Ryo really feels, and how Ryo felt. He forces himself not to cry because he doesn’t think it’s going to help a single thing except his own relief, and that isn’t the point here.
Instead, he swallows quietly and hardens his jaw.]
I am. It’s okay to feel those ways.
[First of all. Even if he gets it’s hard for Ryo to deal with them.]
Do you really want me to stay, or do you want me to leave? I’m just asking to make sure.
he immediately reaches out to grip onto akira's arm when he asks that. ]
Stay. I want you here.
[ if akira really wanted to live elsewhere there is not much ryo can do about that outside of kidnapping him, but. there is a slight desperateness to his voice at the idea of akira showing up and then leaving. what if he doesn't come back again? ]
[It’s fine. He at least knows Ryo is not saying things to merely say them, that Ryo means them.
He isn’t sure, however, if this means Ryo is self-punishing, but he can try dealing that that later.
Slowly, he stands up, and he lifts his arms to thread them around Ryo’s neck. He hugs Ryo tightly into himself.]
I’ll stay, [he murmurs, reassuringly.] It’s been a while.
[He doesn’t want to talk about Kaoru or the others because he does remember what Ryo had told him before, but he feels he has to ghost the edge in order to explain.]
It’s been a while since Kaoru died. I stayed because there were other friends. I didn’t know who would be next, so I stayed so the last one wouldn’t be alone. And then I stayed a little longer to make sure, and then I came back. I’ve had time.
[The years feel both so long and also like a drop in the bucket for him now.]
I experienced a lot. I learned a lot. But… that’s done now, and I’m going to stay here. And I think… we can start over if you want when you’re ready. I’m… willing to try again, but… I get it if… you don’t want to because I hurt you.
[Sometimes you just live so long that even experiencing some kind of piece of a life cannot, in the end, keep you from what essentially is your soulmate.]
[ he doesn't quite understand why akira would willingly sit through all of that, but even after all of these years, ryo can't really say that he's surprised. a little exasperated, maybe, but it's very much an akira thing to do.
there's a slight pause, but ryo wraps his arms around akira, leaning into him. ]
I'll try anything for you, Akira.
[ does that mean ryo will always succeed at those attempts, or do it in the exact way that akira might hope he would? no. but he's willing to at least try. especially now, after really learning just how empty everything feels with akira gone. he had known he was attached before, but it didn't quite hit him how extreme it was until he was on his own. ]
He gives Ryo a gentle squeeze, and then his arms slacken enough he can lean away and look Ryo in the face.] Yeah, we can. [Tenderly, he cards his fingers back through Ryo's hair near the temples. His smile is brief from the weight of the conversation, but it's there.]
I'm sorry I left you alone, Ryo. I left you after I died, and then I left you again. So I'm sorry. I just... I thought I'd like to try... a normal life, like the one I had before. But... I don't think I'll ever have a life like that anymore, not like I am. Not... as Devilman.
I meant it when I told you... that you're the only one who understands.
[ there will come a time where ryo might actually apologize fully for the devilman thing; he's skirted close to it, acknowledging fucked up aspects of it, but he still hasn't really said he's sorry for taking away akira's humanity from him. it's something to work towards to.
kind of like how there might come a time where he'll start to ask more questions about his life in the other world. it'll take more time, once the sting of it lessens, but... ryo isn't sure how easy it is to separate the things he does want to know and the things he'd prefer not to. ]
... we can try to have something normal. As normal as possible for us.
[ it won't ever be what akira had initially thought his life would be like, because there are some things no longer accessible to them. but ryo has at least been living a life of domesticity, so things like that aren't totally out of reach. ]
[Baby steps. His apology is quick because he is a lot more human, and has been, and has lived with humans in a more human life. He gets the slow process probably more now than he would have before.
Personal change is slow. Healing is slow. But they... have plenty of time? An eternity, it seems like.]
I know. We can. [It'd be as normal as the two of them are likely going to get.] You don't mind... if I spend the rest of time with you, right?
[He doesn't want the heartache of what happened to Kaoru and the others ever again. That sort of life, while fulfilling in certain ways, has tired him. It had scratched open old wounds of loss and pain. It had been so painful to endure.
He doesn't want anything like that again for as long as he lives. The fragile people who leave him behind as he had left Ryo.]
[ it's cute that akira asks if ryo minds when it's what he had wanted in the first place. granted, he gets why he's asking-- a lot has happened over the years that could have changed things. but it's still a little funny. ]
I don't mind, Akira.
[ even if akira ends up wanting to do some things by himself, even something as simple as going on a trip somewhere on his own, ryo wouldn't necessarily mind. ryo isn't clingy enough to expect them to spend every second together. ]
There's no one else I'd want to be with. [ jd meows. ] Yeah, sure, cat.
[STOP, listen. He already knew Ryo's answer because it's Ryo, but it's fine. He has to be polite enough to ask... Maybe if he keeps being conscious of these things, Ryo will also learn... to do similar things too.]
His name is JD.
[He smiles lopsidedly and shifts so he can pick the cat up for a face kiss. Then he puts JD down on the desk beside the two of them.]
Please don't tell me he thinks his name is Cat because that's all you called him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
he is doing better than expected, considering that he's still here. if ryo were honest, he would admit that if it weren't for jd, he probably would have gone for the option to obliterate himself on more than one occasion. but a part of him worried that akira might show up and see that his cat was alone, and that he'd hate ryo for it. so here he is.
but he continued to live and deal with the annoyances and failures of it. ]
I'm okay. Hell really isn't that bad once you're out of the newbie area.
no subject
He glances away with his eyes, debating, and then looks at Ryo again.]
I don’t think I’ll really mind.
[Nothing can be as bad as biblical hell, right.]
no subject
[ he doesn't want to assume that akira would just. live with him. it's really not that difficult to get your own place, especially considering they know alex who is pretty willing to make the transition as smooth as possible for them.
that said, if akira did say he would prefer to live elsewhere then that will just be another mark under the 'days until ryo snaps again' column but it's fine. ]
If you want.
no subject
Kaoru isn’t here. The others aren’t here either. Not that he’s seen. And, honestly, he’s glad because none of them deserved hell the way he and Ryo do.]
I’ll stay. If it’s okay.
no subject
I'll get furniture for you. [ ... ] Do you want to see the rest of the house?
[ there's only so much small talk they can do, but at least a tour is something useful. ]
no subject
[Damn, he can do something maybe for the hospitality. Look. He has had a while to be forced to endure high society and social norms and everything the demon side of him struggled with always.
He takes up the bottle Ryo brought him, careful of the cat by his feet.]
Yeah. Show me.
no subject
also on this floor is a bathroom and a library filled with shelves and shelves of books and scrolls and papers, obviously collected over decades. the laundry room is down here too. there's a door leading out to the backyard that's primarily just forest.
upstairs is ryo's bedroom. just like in canon, his bed is too fuckin big because he will never suffer a bunk bed ever again. there's another large bathroom, and then down the hall there's another room that was probably also meant to be a bedroom but right now it's an office. ]
I can move this into my room.
[ everything is the same neat and tidy throughout the whole house, although there are stray cat items strewn about here and there because ryo has clearly given up on expecting jd to not leave toys around. ]
no subject
For a while longer than the rest, he lingers in the library room to be nosy and look at Ryo’s books. He is still not a book person in terms of loving to read and study, but he is… curious whether or not this will tell him more about Ryo during their time apart.
Finally, he joins Ryo again to see the rest of the house, trying not to snicker about the toys. JD is so indifferent about the mess, though the similarities between a cat and Ryo don’t go by Akira unnoticed. ]
I’ll help you move it when you want. Or you can just leave it, and I’ll sleep around it.
You’re house is pretty cool. Do you even use half of it like you did your old apartment?
no subject
We can move it, it's fine.
[ leaving ryo's stuff in that room means ryo would have reason to go into it, and right now he is too unsure about where they stand for that to be a good idea. ]
I use enough of it. I like the space.
no subject
You don’t have to worry about it right now. I can sleep on your couch until we get it moved. I don’t mind.
[He wouldn’t mind Ryo coming in to the office if the rooms had been merged either, but he gets… the weirdness, so he doesn’t push it.]
no subject
but ryo nods his head, and then is... not entirely sure where to go from here. the same awkwardness from their last time together is starting to creep in again, and it's something they're going to have to figure out how to push past somehow. probably by talking. ryo still has no fucking idea how to talk about feelings because he has not been around anyone who tries to force him to do that since they separated.
he plays with a strand of his hair. ]
Mm, we'll see. You can take my bed too for now, if you'd like. I don't sleep that much anyway.
no subject
He takes a moment to glance around the office idly again before looking back at Ryo, watching Ryo play with the hair.
Coming back, meeting, he thought perhaps his feelings may have dulled enough to keep him grounded. But no… He is too emotional. Too empathetic. The fire of dormant interest starts rekindling, and he shifts his weight.]
I don’t mind that either. Ryo…
[He trails off, unsure of what would be best to even say.]
no subject
Shall we talk? I'm sure you have questions.
[ might as well just jump into it, he supposes. the more they dance around this the more suffocating the uncertainty might get.
ryo walks over and hops onto the top of his desk. he gestures at the chair for akira to sit, if he would like to. ]
no subject
[Again, he hesitates, then he moves over to sit in the chair near Ryo. He drinks from the bottle before putting it on the desk out of Ryo’s way.]
We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to talk.
[He remembers… how Ryo used to be about talking, about emotions. He tips his head to peer at Ryo, expression soft.]
I… just want to know how you’ve really been. That’s all I care about. If you’re okay. And if you’re not… that’s fine too.
no subject
I have lived for a very long time, but time hasn't moved any more slowly than these years.
[ as someone who has been around since the universe was newly born, ryo didn't really think waiting around would be as agonizing as this. then again, he only had a human form fairly recently. living as one has likely impacted some things that weren't really an issue before, whether he likes it or not. ]
I've wanted to die. I've wanted to forget you. I've wanted to start a new life. I've wanted to kiss you again. I don't know how to answer how I've been, because I'm not sure other than I am alive and here, and now you're in front of me.
no subject
Instead, he swallows quietly and hardens his jaw.]
I am. It’s okay to feel those ways.
[First of all. Even if he gets it’s hard for Ryo to deal with them.]
Do you really want me to stay, or do you want me to leave? I’m just asking to make sure.
no subject
he immediately reaches out to grip onto akira's arm when he asks that. ]
Stay. I want you here.
[ if akira really wanted to live elsewhere there is not much ryo can do about that outside of kidnapping him, but. there is a slight desperateness to his voice at the idea of akira showing up and then leaving. what if he doesn't come back again? ]
no subject
He isn’t sure, however, if this means Ryo is self-punishing, but he can try dealing that that later.
Slowly, he stands up, and he lifts his arms to thread them around Ryo’s neck. He hugs Ryo tightly into himself.]
I’ll stay, [he murmurs, reassuringly.] It’s been a while.
[He doesn’t want to talk about Kaoru or the others because he does remember what Ryo had told him before, but he feels he has to ghost the edge in order to explain.]
It’s been a while since Kaoru died. I stayed because there were other friends. I didn’t know who would be next, so I stayed so the last one wouldn’t be alone. And then I stayed a little longer to make sure, and then I came back. I’ve had time.
[The years feel both so long and also like a drop in the bucket for him now.]
I experienced a lot. I learned a lot. But… that’s done now, and I’m going to stay here. And I think… we can start over if you want when you’re ready. I’m… willing to try again, but… I get it if… you don’t want to because I hurt you.
[Sometimes you just live so long that even experiencing some kind of piece of a life cannot, in the end, keep you from what essentially is your soulmate.]
no subject
there's a slight pause, but ryo wraps his arms around akira, leaning into him. ]
I'll try anything for you, Akira.
[ does that mean ryo will always succeed at those attempts, or do it in the exact way that akira might hope he would? no. but he's willing to at least try. especially now, after really learning just how empty everything feels with akira gone. he had known he was attached before, but it didn't quite hit him how extreme it was until he was on his own. ]
We can experience more things together.
no subject
He gives Ryo a gentle squeeze, and then his arms slacken enough he can lean away and look Ryo in the face.] Yeah, we can. [Tenderly, he cards his fingers back through Ryo's hair near the temples. His smile is brief from the weight of the conversation, but it's there.]
I'm sorry I left you alone, Ryo. I left you after I died, and then I left you again. So I'm sorry. I just... I thought I'd like to try... a normal life, like the one I had before. But... I don't think I'll ever have a life like that anymore, not like I am. Not... as Devilman.
I meant it when I told you... that you're the only one who understands.
no subject
kind of like how there might come a time where he'll start to ask more questions about his life in the other world. it'll take more time, once the sting of it lessens, but... ryo isn't sure how easy it is to separate the things he does want to know and the things he'd prefer not to. ]
... we can try to have something normal. As normal as possible for us.
[ it won't ever be what akira had initially thought his life would be like, because there are some things no longer accessible to them. but ryo has at least been living a life of domesticity, so things like that aren't totally out of reach. ]
no subject
Personal change is slow. Healing is slow. But they... have plenty of time? An eternity, it seems like.]
I know. We can. [It'd be as normal as the two of them are likely going to get.] You don't mind... if I spend the rest of time with you, right?
[He doesn't want the heartache of what happened to Kaoru and the others ever again. That sort of life, while fulfilling in certain ways, has tired him. It had scratched open old wounds of loss and pain. It had been so painful to endure.
He doesn't want anything like that again for as long as he lives. The fragile people who leave him behind as he had left Ryo.]
no subject
I don't mind, Akira.
[ even if akira ends up wanting to do some things by himself, even something as simple as going on a trip somewhere on his own, ryo wouldn't necessarily mind. ryo isn't clingy enough to expect them to spend every second together. ]
There's no one else I'd want to be with. [ jd meows. ] Yeah, sure, cat.
no subject
His name is JD.
[He smiles lopsidedly and shifts so he can pick the cat up for a face kiss. Then he puts JD down on the desk beside the two of them.]
Please don't tell me he thinks his name is Cat because that's all you called him.
no subject
He knows his name. I made sure that he's very intelligent.
[ how.....
but jd will get an idle ear scratch from ryo ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...