werites | it's been x days since takasen

[it's very bad.

it's so very bad, and senri is very gay, and that much is confirmed when he wakes up the next morning too. even though he was mad at taka pretty much up until the second that he passed out - he feels so unfortunately at peace when he gets to be next to him just like this. he opens his eyes briefly even though he doesn't lift his head and -

he could have another day without taka. he could even try to find a date for real. he could hang out with the other first years without taka, because they'd make it awkward. he could try to rebuild his life in tokyo.

but so far doing bits and pieces of that hasn't brought him any more peace than this moment.

he doesn't know if taka's awake - but they've done this enough days now that he. is losing the strength to let go. when the person he wants is right in front of him, what is he supposed to do?

so instead he just holds onto a little bit tighter for just a second, and subconsciously tries to press himself against taka a bit more]

[ the problem is that no matter how much time they spend apart during the day, in the end they share a room. taka thinks that maybe, if they weren't partners, it would probably be easier to get over this. not easy, but easier.

instead they have this.

eventually he has to move though. slowly, he shifts, trying his best not to disturb senri too much. he's mostly hoping that he can slip out and keep senri asleep?? ]

[ . . . .

senri thinks about letting taka go again, because maybe he has something to do. but selfishly, he wonders where that would leave him? still alone in their room, holding onto whatever taka's warmth remains in the blanket in the pillow, and unable to move on. he's not sure what he needs to move on but he knows he doesn't have it right now.

(maybe a real desire to move on would be a good start.)

he doesn't let go.

instead he just asks quietly - ]

... five more minutes?

[ ...... oh

well, he doesn't know how to respond to that. the smart thing to do would be to say no, and to stand up and leave the room and do whatever it is that he needs to that isn't being here.

but instead he just wraps his arms around senri and closes his eyes. ]

Just five.

[ . . . right. just five.

senri sighs out a breath at that and tries not to notice how much happier he is just to have taka's arms around him. he presses his face into taka's neck and thinks about just letting sleep take him again but.... he wants to enjoy this moment while he still gets it.

just five minutes.

two pass, just like that. quiet and comfortable.]

... did you miss me at all?

[ they're going to talk about it then.

taka knew they had to; they could only dance around the subject for so long, or else they would bound to get into another fight or... something. ]

... yeah.

[ it's such an understatement that he almost wants to laugh? he can't even sleep in his own bed. ]

[ . . . okay.

for some reason that alone manages to make him feel better and - maybe it shouldn't, because it's mean. he shouldn't want taka to feel any type of sad but.

he closes his eyes tight and nods.]

.... mm, I missed you.

A lot.

... this room was really empty without you.

[ he even slept over at the others' dorms, but he can only do that so many times before yanagi and shion throw him out.

it's bad, because his main urge is still to kiss him. he doesn't. ]

[senri laughs faintly at that, even if he's not actually remembering anything that makes him happy.]

I didn't notice how big my flat actually was until you weren't in it....

[and then he felt very, very much alone. and then he couldn't find a happy medium between not being lonely and spending time with taka.]

London's a big place - it was really fun. I met a lot of people but... I still had the most fun when it was just you and me.

[ he really wants to believe that

but he remembers all of the social media posts, and he knows that senri lies but it was a lot harder to pick out the lies when taka isn't with him in person. ]

You dated.

I got lonely!

[that much he can admit to without fail - because it's always comes back to that. senri gets lonely so easily, and it's why he tries to fill his time with other people if taka isn't there.]

You decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore and I didn't know what to do - I couldn't come back, so I just...

[he went on dates. he tried to figure out an alternative. he - ]

None of it worked out though. I would always be unhappy with something or another, even if they were the most thoughtful person in the world....

I never said you weren't worth it.

[ and that's true, senri just assumed that was what he meant.

taka just didn't correct the misunderstanding, which is still pretty bad.

still, he shrugs, as nonchalantly as he can manage. ]

It wasn't the first time I told you that you'd be happier with someone else. You just didn't... argue this time.

... I didn't think we could be happy if I was forcing you to be with me.

[since taka didn't deny that senri wasn't worth it -

damn it's all a mess, isn't it? and senri's brow furrows even as he tries to understand what this means, now that they're together in the same place again.]

I already told you before that I would have just told you if I didn't want to date you.

[ granted, they ended up breaking up but he means he would have been way more direct about it. ]

Sorry for fucking up your birthday.

[ . . . . and senri frowns]

You couldn't have just - said that...?!

[before they

lost their fucking minds]

You kind of pissed me off.

[ with the initial text, since taka was going to apologize?? when he realized what happened??

but also he has a bad habit of forgetting his common sense when he gets mad enough. ]

You pissed me off!

[oh my god.

but he'll at least move so that he can look at taka now, frowning as he does but still not actually putting any space between them]

We broke up because you couldn't say sorry!

Yeah. But you kind of jump to some pretty shitty conclusions that didn't help.

[ look

taka will accept the blame for what happened

except he refuses to let senri not take some of it too because that messy ass breakup was a team effort. ]

[ . . . . ugh.

senri wrinkles his nose but. sighs faintly as he looks away, unable to meet taka's eyes.]

.... I thought we were growing apart, so you were getting tired of me too. And forgetting my birthday was... just a part of that.

[since he just - assumed that taka forgot entirely]

I was... in the middle of a really rough case.

[ he decides to spare senri the details because those don't matter, and it was months ago anyway. ]

I made a breakthrough on it so I wasn't getting any sleep, and then I ended up... crashing, and when I woke up again your birthday was over. Its not an excuse, but I didn't forget it.

[ . . .

it's hard, because it makes sense. and senri has a newfound irritation because - ]

... you could've just said that....

[ - if he knew, then he wouldn't have been so angry. he wouldn't have had anything to hold onto, if he knew that taka hadn't forgotten him after all. it was just bad timing and difficult work and. he frowns even as he reaches for one of taka's hands automatically]

... I'm sorry I couldn't support you through that.

[if it was that tough, and taka was that stressed and run that ragged... it's something he would've wanted to help him with, if he could've]

[ and the thing is, taka knew that senri would stop fighting if he knew the reason why. but his attitude had aggravated taka so much that he chose to keep arguing instead until it snowballed into something neither of them could salvage. which is mainly why taka is so willing to accept most of the blame here.

most, since senri still said things that were needlessly cruel. ]

I figured it out in the end.

[ and that's what matters to a detective. and, if he's honest, the breakup helped with that since taka needed a distraction so badly he threw himself into his work even harder. but he doesn't mention that part. ]

[ . . . .

right. he did. senri moved on as best as he could and kept doing his shows anyway, to the point that he nearly didn't come back - but being in london didn't promise him the same opportunity that shinonome did, so.]

... did you figure out what we're supposed to do from here?

[now that they've said their apologies]

... no.

[ he doesn't have a clue. because just because senri missed him doesn't mean he wants to date him again. they've been sleeping together on this couch, yeah, but that can be platonic. wanting to relive a past memory. taka doesn't want to hope for a future that isn't certain.

his heart can only break so many times. ]

But... there is something else I need to tell you.

[ . . . .

he doesn't know if he wants to hear it.

he's scared to - because it could be anything. it could be that taka wants to be with him again, but it could just as easily be that taka has to tell senri that he doesn't want to share the couch with him anymore. that he's going to start seeing other people finally. that he told his parents and shishimama never wants to see senri again either, and has banned them from dating anymore.

but -

bad assumptions were part of what got them into this mess, so.]

.... Okay.

But be gentle with me.

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