[ he decides to spare senri the details because those don't matter, and it was months ago anyway. ]
I made a breakthrough on it so I wasn't getting any sleep, and then I ended up... crashing, and when I woke up again your birthday was over. Its not an excuse, but I didn't forget it.
it's hard, because it makes sense. and senri has a newfound irritation because - ]
... you could've just said that....
[ - if he knew, then he wouldn't have been so angry. he wouldn't have had anything to hold onto, if he knew that taka hadn't forgotten him after all. it was just bad timing and difficult work and. he frowns even as he reaches for one of taka's hands automatically]
... I'm sorry I couldn't support you through that.
[if it was that tough, and taka was that stressed and run that ragged... it's something he would've wanted to help him with, if he could've]
[ and the thing is, taka knew that senri would stop fighting if he knew the reason why. but his attitude had aggravated taka so much that he chose to keep arguing instead until it snowballed into something neither of them could salvage. which is mainly why taka is so willing to accept most of the blame here.
most, since senri still said things that were needlessly cruel. ]
I figured it out in the end.
[ and that's what matters to a detective. and, if he's honest, the breakup helped with that since taka needed a distraction so badly he threw himself into his work even harder. but he doesn't mention that part. ]
right. he did. senri moved on as best as he could and kept doing his shows anyway, to the point that he nearly didn't come back - but being in london didn't promise him the same opportunity that shinonome did, so.]
... did you figure out what we're supposed to do from here?
[ he doesn't have a clue. because just because senri missed him doesn't mean he wants to date him again. they've been sleeping together on this couch, yeah, but that can be platonic. wanting to relive a past memory. taka doesn't want to hope for a future that isn't certain.
his heart can only break so many times. ]
But... there is something else I need to tell you.
he's scared to - because it could be anything. it could be that taka wants to be with him again, but it could just as easily be that taka has to tell senri that he doesn't want to share the couch with him anymore. that he's going to start seeing other people finally. that he told his parents and shishimama never wants to see senri again either, and has banned them from dating anymore.
but -
bad assumptions were part of what got them into this mess, so.]
they're at the airport. they arrived late because of bad weather making the traffic horrible, and neither of them were used to how thing worked in london to really predict that. taka and senri said their goodbye, and it's just as taka is walking past the entrance to security when senri blurts it out.
i love you.
and taka turns, shocked, but there's a line and he's already through the checkpoint and technically, he could probably go back, but his legs keep walking forward and his face is red and is brain is mush as those three words repeat again and again. and it's on the plane where he decides that yes, he loves senri back, but he can't say it through text or a phone call. and it's where he decides that he'll plan another trip back to london as soon as he can so he can say it back, properly, and kiss him.
except then they both get busy, and he can't find time to go to london, and senri isn't able to return to japan, and they fight, and break up, and suddenly there is no one to say i love you to.
but not now. he squeezes senri's hand, and lifts his gaze so he can look directly at him .]
You probably don't feel the same anymore. [ he missed his chance, he knows it, ] But I love you. I still love you.
on that day, when he said it - he didn't care about hearing it back. nothing mattered more than just letting taka know that he loved him, because he couldn't hold it in anymore. he couldn't let taka get on the plane without admitting that he loved him, even though they would be apart for a while but it would be okay, because they'd always come back together.
he told taka after - don't worry about saying it back, I'll be patient just this once.
until he worried that maybe taka just didn't feel it after all, and he would be waiting forever for something that wasn't going to come.
except for now - when he hears it not just once, but twice. when he forgets how to breathe for a second as he stares at taka wide-eyed.]
.... you—
[he's probably holding onto taka's hand too tight]
... don't just - assume how I feel about things....?!
[and he stops squeezing, but he doesn't let go. he still holds on, because he doesn't know what else to do.
he's always held onto taka just a little bit too tight, and never really figured out how to let go. he takes a breath in and he lets the words repeat in his head because - taka loved him then, and maybe more importantly.... taka still loves him now. even after everything he said, even after every mistake he made, even after he did all sorts of dumb things just to be cruel and get him to be jealous and.]
... I don't deserve you, do I....
[it's a small thought, and it's so quietly voiced, but he shakes his head.]
But I...
[and he breathes out a laugh, almost disbelieving]
I love you. I never stopped. Even when I was being an idiot - maybe especially when I was being an idiot.... I still loved only you, and still do.
[ he was preparing himself for the worst. senri doesn't love him anymore. that he's going to try to break the partnership again because being here is filled with too many bitter memories. there are so many different ways for this to go wrong, and then
it doesn't.
taka isn't sure what to do now. he blinks, once then twice, and he looks down at their joint hands and then back to senri's face.
he loves him, he loves him, it doesn't matter which one is the he or him because he loves him. ]
You're always an idiot.
[ his other hand hovers right above senri's cheek, the slightest movement making it touch. ]
and he thinks about it - but not for very long at all. because when faced with a question like that, after all the time they've been apart, and the months of silence, and all the time that he faced without taka....
the fingers on his free hand curl into the cloth of taka's shirt, and he leans into his offered touch.]
[ senri really could find someone else, if he's given time. maybe another actor or just someone he runs into on accident. and they're sweet and romantic and everything senri has dreamed about when he imagined his love life.
and yet, taka still leans in, so very slowly. his lips brush against senri's hesitantly, like he's forgotten how to do this. but then he kisses him, soft and gentle and it carries another apology that he couldn't quite put into words.
[it's not like senri hasn't been kissed in months. he has and yet - every time, it came with a feeling of irritation, of defensiveness, like it was something that shouldn't have happened no matter what flirting or invitation came before.
he knows now that it's because nothing could ever really compare to this.
his eyes flutter closed even as taka kisses him softly, and his heart aches with the warmth of it. it's overwhelming even if it's so featherlight, and senri's fingers curl tighter into taka's shirt as if to hold onto him, as if to make sure that there's no chance that he could ever leave again.
senri sighs into the kiss even as he automatically chases after another one before he can stop himself.
[ taka decides right then and there that he doesn't care if senri might get everything he dreamed of with someone else.
he kisses senri again, more urgently, like he's been waiting for this moment to arrive and now that it finally has he isn't sure how to handle it. all he can focus on is senri, and senri, and senri ]
there's no way that anyone else would manage to make senri feels as ecstatic as he does now. the more urgent kiss encourages him to wrap his arms around taka's neck, pulling him close so that there's no space left in between them as senri chases after the affection that he'd been craving for months.
from taka, and only taka.]
Will you say it again? [asking for big romantic favors between kisses might not be smart but oh well] Will you keep saying it?
[ he pulls back enough just so he can study senri's face. the logical conclusion is that they're going to get back together but taka does not want to assume without them saying it out loud first. ]
Do you mean...
[ he kissss him again. ]
I love you. I love you. I love you.
[ he'll say it for every day they weren't together, because he knows himself and eventually he's going to get too embarrassed to say it often, as with 'like' ]
[yeah, that's exactly what he meant. he'd love to say as much but he's basically melting into a happy puddle full of warmth and romantic feelings as he leans into every kiss that's offered to him. his fingers curl into taka's hair just to keep him close even as senri hums a happy note]
Mm, I—
[he's getting so happy he's a little incoherent even as he laughs and smiles against taka's lips, still trying to kiss him even as he runs out of breath]
Me too. I love you too.
[just so that taka knows. just so that he's aware that senri feels the same, as if it isn't so plainly obvious in this moment]
[ it's funny, because taka was really expecting them to just avoid each other until they blew up into a fight or senri finally managed to find a way out of the partnership.
he didn't think it would end up like this. ]
... I didn't want to date ever again.
[ it's an admittance he hasn't really outright said, mostly because he didn't want people to know he was that upset over senri. but. ]
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[ with the initial text, since taka was going to apologize?? when he realized what happened??
but also he has a bad habit of forgetting his common sense when he gets mad enough. ]
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[oh my god.
but he'll at least move so that he can look at taka now, frowning as he does but still not actually putting any space between them]
We broke up because you couldn't say sorry!
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[ look
taka will accept the blame for what happened
except he refuses to let senri not take some of it too because that messy ass breakup was a team effort. ]
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senri wrinkles his nose but. sighs faintly as he looks away, unable to meet taka's eyes.]
.... I thought we were growing apart, so you were getting tired of me too. And forgetting my birthday was... just a part of that.
[since he just - assumed that taka forgot entirely]
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[ he decides to spare senri the details because those don't matter, and it was months ago anyway. ]
I made a breakthrough on it so I wasn't getting any sleep, and then I ended up... crashing, and when I woke up again your birthday was over. Its not an excuse, but I didn't forget it.
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it's hard, because it makes sense. and senri has a newfound irritation because - ]
... you could've just said that....
[ - if he knew, then he wouldn't have been so angry. he wouldn't have had anything to hold onto, if he knew that taka hadn't forgotten him after all. it was just bad timing and difficult work and. he frowns even as he reaches for one of taka's hands automatically]
... I'm sorry I couldn't support you through that.
[if it was that tough, and taka was that stressed and run that ragged... it's something he would've wanted to help him with, if he could've]
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most, since senri still said things that were needlessly cruel. ]
I figured it out in the end.
[ and that's what matters to a detective. and, if he's honest, the breakup helped with that since taka needed a distraction so badly he threw himself into his work even harder. but he doesn't mention that part. ]
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right. he did. senri moved on as best as he could and kept doing his shows anyway, to the point that he nearly didn't come back - but being in london didn't promise him the same opportunity that shinonome did, so.]
... did you figure out what we're supposed to do from here?
[now that they've said their apologies]
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[ he doesn't have a clue. because just because senri missed him doesn't mean he wants to date him again. they've been sleeping together on this couch, yeah, but that can be platonic. wanting to relive a past memory. taka doesn't want to hope for a future that isn't certain.
his heart can only break so many times. ]
But... there is something else I need to tell you.
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he doesn't know if he wants to hear it.
he's scared to - because it could be anything. it could be that taka wants to be with him again, but it could just as easily be that taka has to tell senri that he doesn't want to share the couch with him anymore. that he's going to start seeing other people finally. that he told his parents and shishimama never wants to see senri again either, and has banned them from dating anymore.
but -
bad assumptions were part of what got them into this mess, so.]
.... Okay.
But be gentle with me.
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they're at the airport. they arrived late because of bad weather making the traffic horrible, and neither of them were used to how thing worked in london to really predict that. taka and senri said their goodbye, and it's just as taka is walking past the entrance to security when senri blurts it out.
i love you.
and taka turns, shocked, but there's a line and he's already through the checkpoint and technically, he could probably go back, but his legs keep walking forward and his face is red and is brain is mush as those three words repeat again and again. and it's on the plane where he decides that yes, he loves senri back, but he can't say it through text or a phone call. and it's where he decides that he'll plan another trip back to london as soon as he can so he can say it back, properly, and kiss him.
except then they both get busy, and he can't find time to go to london, and senri isn't able to return to japan, and they fight, and break up, and suddenly there is no one to say i love you to.
but not now. he squeezes senri's hand, and lifts his gaze so he can look directly at him .]
You probably don't feel the same anymore. [ he missed his chance, he knows it, ] But I love you. I still love you.
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on that day, when he said it - he didn't care about hearing it back. nothing mattered more than just letting taka know that he loved him, because he couldn't hold it in anymore. he couldn't let taka get on the plane without admitting that he loved him, even though they would be apart for a while but it would be okay, because they'd always come back together.
he told taka after - don't worry about saying it back, I'll be patient just this once.
until he worried that maybe taka just didn't feel it after all, and he would be waiting forever for something that wasn't going to come.
except for now - when he hears it not just once, but twice. when he forgets how to breathe for a second as he stares at taka wide-eyed.]
.... you—
[he's probably holding onto taka's hand too tight]
... don't just - assume how I feel about things....?!
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[ he needs to analyze what the fuck senri just said to him but he also doesn't want to leap to any conclusions and also
his hand hurts
like, so does his heart, but primarily his hand right now ]
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[and he stops squeezing, but he doesn't let go. he still holds on, because he doesn't know what else to do.
he's always held onto taka just a little bit too tight, and never really figured out how to let go. he takes a breath in and he lets the words repeat in his head because - taka loved him then, and maybe more importantly.... taka still loves him now. even after everything he said, even after every mistake he made, even after he did all sorts of dumb things just to be cruel and get him to be jealous and.]
... I don't deserve you, do I....
[it's a small thought, and it's so quietly voiced, but he shakes his head.]
But I...
[and he breathes out a laugh, almost disbelieving]
I love you. I never stopped. Even when I was being an idiot - maybe especially when I was being an idiot.... I still loved only you, and still do.
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it doesn't.
taka isn't sure what to do now. he blinks, once then twice, and he looks down at their joint hands and then back to senri's face.
he loves him, he loves him, it doesn't matter which one is the he or him because he loves him. ]
You're always an idiot.
[ his other hand hovers right above senri's cheek, the slightest movement making it touch. ]
... can I kiss you?
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[maybe he should say no?
and he thinks about it - but not for very long at all. because when faced with a question like that, after all the time they've been apart, and the months of silence, and all the time that he faced without taka....
the fingers on his free hand curl into the cloth of taka's shirt, and he leans into his offered touch.]
.... yeah.
Please.
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and yet, taka still leans in, so very slowly. his lips brush against senri's hesitantly, like he's forgotten how to do this. but then he kisses him, soft and gentle and it carries another apology that he couldn't quite put into words.
i love you, i'm sorry, we wasted so much time ]
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he knows now that it's because nothing could ever really compare to this.
his eyes flutter closed even as taka kisses him softly, and his heart aches with the warmth of it. it's overwhelming even if it's so featherlight, and senri's fingers curl tighter into taka's shirt as if to hold onto him, as if to make sure that there's no chance that he could ever leave again.
senri sighs into the kiss even as he automatically chases after another one before he can stop himself.
yet even against taka's lips he whispers]
.... I love you.
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he kisses senri again, more urgently, like he's been waiting for this moment to arrive and now that it finally has he isn't sure how to handle it. all he can focus on is senri, and senri, and senri ]
I love you, too.
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there's no way that anyone else would manage to make senri feels as ecstatic as he does now. the more urgent kiss encourages him to wrap his arms around taka's neck, pulling him close so that there's no space left in between them as senri chases after the affection that he'd been craving for months.
from taka, and only taka.]
Will you say it again? [asking for big romantic favors between kisses might not be smart but oh well] Will you keep saying it?
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Do you mean...
[ he kissss him again. ]
I love you. I love you. I love you.
[ he'll say it for every day they weren't together, because he knows himself and eventually he's going to get too embarrassed to say it often, as with 'like' ]
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Mm, I—
[he's getting so happy he's a little incoherent even as he laughs and smiles against taka's lips, still trying to kiss him even as he runs out of breath]
Me too. I love you too.
[just so that taka knows. just so that he's aware that senri feels the same, as if it isn't so plainly obvious in this moment]
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he didn't think it would end up like this. ]
... I didn't want to date ever again.
[ it's an admittance he hasn't really outright said, mostly because he didn't want people to know he was that upset over senri. but. ]
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Good.
I probably would've flown back in just to punch you if you did.
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You're so fucking rude.
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