senri sighs out a breath at that and tries not to notice how much happier he is just to have taka's arms around him. he presses his face into taka's neck and thinks about just letting sleep take him again but.... he wants to enjoy this moment while he still gets it.
for some reason that alone manages to make him feel better and - maybe it shouldn't, because it's mean. he shouldn't want taka to feel any type of sad but.
but he remembers all of the social media posts, and he knows that senri lies but it was a lot harder to pick out the lies when taka isn't with him in person. ]
[that much he can admit to without fail - because it's always comes back to that. senri gets lonely so easily, and it's why he tries to fill his time with other people if taka isn't there.]
You decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore and I didn't know what to do - I couldn't come back, so I just...
[he went on dates. he tried to figure out an alternative. he - ]
None of it worked out though. I would always be unhappy with something or another, even if they were the most thoughtful person in the world....
... I didn't think we could be happy if I was forcing you to be with me.
[since taka didn't deny that senri wasn't worth it -
damn it's all a mess, isn't it? and senri's brow furrows even as he tries to understand what this means, now that they're together in the same place again.]
[ he decides to spare senri the details because those don't matter, and it was months ago anyway. ]
I made a breakthrough on it so I wasn't getting any sleep, and then I ended up... crashing, and when I woke up again your birthday was over. Its not an excuse, but I didn't forget it.
it's hard, because it makes sense. and senri has a newfound irritation because - ]
... you could've just said that....
[ - if he knew, then he wouldn't have been so angry. he wouldn't have had anything to hold onto, if he knew that taka hadn't forgotten him after all. it was just bad timing and difficult work and. he frowns even as he reaches for one of taka's hands automatically]
... I'm sorry I couldn't support you through that.
[if it was that tough, and taka was that stressed and run that ragged... it's something he would've wanted to help him with, if he could've]
[ and the thing is, taka knew that senri would stop fighting if he knew the reason why. but his attitude had aggravated taka so much that he chose to keep arguing instead until it snowballed into something neither of them could salvage. which is mainly why taka is so willing to accept most of the blame here.
most, since senri still said things that were needlessly cruel. ]
I figured it out in the end.
[ and that's what matters to a detective. and, if he's honest, the breakup helped with that since taka needed a distraction so badly he threw himself into his work even harder. but he doesn't mention that part. ]
right. he did. senri moved on as best as he could and kept doing his shows anyway, to the point that he nearly didn't come back - but being in london didn't promise him the same opportunity that shinonome did, so.]
... did you figure out what we're supposed to do from here?
[ he doesn't have a clue. because just because senri missed him doesn't mean he wants to date him again. they've been sleeping together on this couch, yeah, but that can be platonic. wanting to relive a past memory. taka doesn't want to hope for a future that isn't certain.
his heart can only break so many times. ]
But... there is something else I need to tell you.
he's scared to - because it could be anything. it could be that taka wants to be with him again, but it could just as easily be that taka has to tell senri that he doesn't want to share the couch with him anymore. that he's going to start seeing other people finally. that he told his parents and shishimama never wants to see senri again either, and has banned them from dating anymore.
but -
bad assumptions were part of what got them into this mess, so.]
they're at the airport. they arrived late because of bad weather making the traffic horrible, and neither of them were used to how thing worked in london to really predict that. taka and senri said their goodbye, and it's just as taka is walking past the entrance to security when senri blurts it out.
i love you.
and taka turns, shocked, but there's a line and he's already through the checkpoint and technically, he could probably go back, but his legs keep walking forward and his face is red and is brain is mush as those three words repeat again and again. and it's on the plane where he decides that yes, he loves senri back, but he can't say it through text or a phone call. and it's where he decides that he'll plan another trip back to london as soon as he can so he can say it back, properly, and kiss him.
except then they both get busy, and he can't find time to go to london, and senri isn't able to return to japan, and they fight, and break up, and suddenly there is no one to say i love you to.
but not now. he squeezes senri's hand, and lifts his gaze so he can look directly at him .]
You probably don't feel the same anymore. [ he missed his chance, he knows it, ] But I love you. I still love you.
on that day, when he said it - he didn't care about hearing it back. nothing mattered more than just letting taka know that he loved him, because he couldn't hold it in anymore. he couldn't let taka get on the plane without admitting that he loved him, even though they would be apart for a while but it would be okay, because they'd always come back together.
he told taka after - don't worry about saying it back, I'll be patient just this once.
until he worried that maybe taka just didn't feel it after all, and he would be waiting forever for something that wasn't going to come.
except for now - when he hears it not just once, but twice. when he forgets how to breathe for a second as he stares at taka wide-eyed.]
.... you—
[he's probably holding onto taka's hand too tight]
... don't just - assume how I feel about things....?!
[and he stops squeezing, but he doesn't let go. he still holds on, because he doesn't know what else to do.
he's always held onto taka just a little bit too tight, and never really figured out how to let go. he takes a breath in and he lets the words repeat in his head because - taka loved him then, and maybe more importantly.... taka still loves him now. even after everything he said, even after every mistake he made, even after he did all sorts of dumb things just to be cruel and get him to be jealous and.]
... I don't deserve you, do I....
[it's a small thought, and it's so quietly voiced, but he shakes his head.]
But I...
[and he breathes out a laugh, almost disbelieving]
I love you. I never stopped. Even when I was being an idiot - maybe especially when I was being an idiot.... I still loved only you, and still do.
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senri sighs out a breath at that and tries not to notice how much happier he is just to have taka's arms around him. he presses his face into taka's neck and thinks about just letting sleep take him again but.... he wants to enjoy this moment while he still gets it.
just five minutes.
two pass, just like that. quiet and comfortable.]
... did you miss me at all?
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taka knew they had to; they could only dance around the subject for so long, or else they would bound to get into another fight or... something. ]
... yeah.
[ it's such an understatement that he almost wants to laugh? he can't even sleep in his own bed. ]
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for some reason that alone manages to make him feel better and - maybe it shouldn't, because it's mean. he shouldn't want taka to feel any type of sad but.
he closes his eyes tight and nods.]
.... mm, I missed you.
A lot.
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[ he even slept over at the others' dorms, but he can only do that so many times before yanagi and shion throw him out.
it's bad, because his main urge is still to kiss him. he doesn't. ]
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I didn't notice how big my flat actually was until you weren't in it....
[and then he felt very, very much alone. and then he couldn't find a happy medium between not being lonely and spending time with taka.]
London's a big place - it was really fun. I met a lot of people but... I still had the most fun when it was just you and me.
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but he remembers all of the social media posts, and he knows that senri lies but it was a lot harder to pick out the lies when taka isn't with him in person. ]
You dated.
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[that much he can admit to without fail - because it's always comes back to that. senri gets lonely so easily, and it's why he tries to fill his time with other people if taka isn't there.]
You decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore and I didn't know what to do - I couldn't come back, so I just...
[he went on dates. he tried to figure out an alternative. he - ]
None of it worked out though. I would always be unhappy with something or another, even if they were the most thoughtful person in the world....
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[ and that's true, senri just assumed that was what he meant.
taka just didn't correct the misunderstanding, which is still pretty bad.
still, he shrugs, as nonchalantly as he can manage. ]
It wasn't the first time I told you that you'd be happier with someone else. You just didn't... argue this time.
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[since taka didn't deny that senri wasn't worth it -
damn it's all a mess, isn't it? and senri's brow furrows even as he tries to understand what this means, now that they're together in the same place again.]
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[ granted, they ended up breaking up but he means he would have been way more direct about it. ]
Sorry for fucking up your birthday.
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You couldn't have just - said that...?!
[before they
lost their fucking minds]
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[ with the initial text, since taka was going to apologize?? when he realized what happened??
but also he has a bad habit of forgetting his common sense when he gets mad enough. ]
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[oh my god.
but he'll at least move so that he can look at taka now, frowning as he does but still not actually putting any space between them]
We broke up because you couldn't say sorry!
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[ look
taka will accept the blame for what happened
except he refuses to let senri not take some of it too because that messy ass breakup was a team effort. ]
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senri wrinkles his nose but. sighs faintly as he looks away, unable to meet taka's eyes.]
.... I thought we were growing apart, so you were getting tired of me too. And forgetting my birthday was... just a part of that.
[since he just - assumed that taka forgot entirely]
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[ he decides to spare senri the details because those don't matter, and it was months ago anyway. ]
I made a breakthrough on it so I wasn't getting any sleep, and then I ended up... crashing, and when I woke up again your birthday was over. Its not an excuse, but I didn't forget it.
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it's hard, because it makes sense. and senri has a newfound irritation because - ]
... you could've just said that....
[ - if he knew, then he wouldn't have been so angry. he wouldn't have had anything to hold onto, if he knew that taka hadn't forgotten him after all. it was just bad timing and difficult work and. he frowns even as he reaches for one of taka's hands automatically]
... I'm sorry I couldn't support you through that.
[if it was that tough, and taka was that stressed and run that ragged... it's something he would've wanted to help him with, if he could've]
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most, since senri still said things that were needlessly cruel. ]
I figured it out in the end.
[ and that's what matters to a detective. and, if he's honest, the breakup helped with that since taka needed a distraction so badly he threw himself into his work even harder. but he doesn't mention that part. ]
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right. he did. senri moved on as best as he could and kept doing his shows anyway, to the point that he nearly didn't come back - but being in london didn't promise him the same opportunity that shinonome did, so.]
... did you figure out what we're supposed to do from here?
[now that they've said their apologies]
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[ he doesn't have a clue. because just because senri missed him doesn't mean he wants to date him again. they've been sleeping together on this couch, yeah, but that can be platonic. wanting to relive a past memory. taka doesn't want to hope for a future that isn't certain.
his heart can only break so many times. ]
But... there is something else I need to tell you.
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he doesn't know if he wants to hear it.
he's scared to - because it could be anything. it could be that taka wants to be with him again, but it could just as easily be that taka has to tell senri that he doesn't want to share the couch with him anymore. that he's going to start seeing other people finally. that he told his parents and shishimama never wants to see senri again either, and has banned them from dating anymore.
but -
bad assumptions were part of what got them into this mess, so.]
.... Okay.
But be gentle with me.
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they're at the airport. they arrived late because of bad weather making the traffic horrible, and neither of them were used to how thing worked in london to really predict that. taka and senri said their goodbye, and it's just as taka is walking past the entrance to security when senri blurts it out.
i love you.
and taka turns, shocked, but there's a line and he's already through the checkpoint and technically, he could probably go back, but his legs keep walking forward and his face is red and is brain is mush as those three words repeat again and again. and it's on the plane where he decides that yes, he loves senri back, but he can't say it through text or a phone call. and it's where he decides that he'll plan another trip back to london as soon as he can so he can say it back, properly, and kiss him.
except then they both get busy, and he can't find time to go to london, and senri isn't able to return to japan, and they fight, and break up, and suddenly there is no one to say i love you to.
but not now. he squeezes senri's hand, and lifts his gaze so he can look directly at him .]
You probably don't feel the same anymore. [ he missed his chance, he knows it, ] But I love you. I still love you.
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on that day, when he said it - he didn't care about hearing it back. nothing mattered more than just letting taka know that he loved him, because he couldn't hold it in anymore. he couldn't let taka get on the plane without admitting that he loved him, even though they would be apart for a while but it would be okay, because they'd always come back together.
he told taka after - don't worry about saying it back, I'll be patient just this once.
until he worried that maybe taka just didn't feel it after all, and he would be waiting forever for something that wasn't going to come.
except for now - when he hears it not just once, but twice. when he forgets how to breathe for a second as he stares at taka wide-eyed.]
.... you—
[he's probably holding onto taka's hand too tight]
... don't just - assume how I feel about things....?!
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[ he needs to analyze what the fuck senri just said to him but he also doesn't want to leap to any conclusions and also
his hand hurts
like, so does his heart, but primarily his hand right now ]
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[and he stops squeezing, but he doesn't let go. he still holds on, because he doesn't know what else to do.
he's always held onto taka just a little bit too tight, and never really figured out how to let go. he takes a breath in and he lets the words repeat in his head because - taka loved him then, and maybe more importantly.... taka still loves him now. even after everything he said, even after every mistake he made, even after he did all sorts of dumb things just to be cruel and get him to be jealous and.]
... I don't deserve you, do I....
[it's a small thought, and it's so quietly voiced, but he shakes his head.]
But I...
[and he breathes out a laugh, almost disbelieving]
I love you. I never stopped. Even when I was being an idiot - maybe especially when I was being an idiot.... I still loved only you, and still do.
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