he picked a fight and he got one - and yet staring down at the text still manages to upset him. he used his brain. he tried to give taka the benefit of the doubt and waited until there was no hope at all for either of them to still be on senri's birthday, and then that's when he lost all hope. even a last minute call would've left senri annoyed - but he would've been overall happier to just hear taka's voice at all.
but nothing. not a text. not a card. not a tweet. not even a roundabout greeting through yuma or touji.
but he can't think to express how angry he is through text alone.
so he calls.
and the second taka picks up, senri doesn't even say hello.]
I've been using my brain all day - trying to make up excuses for why a genius detective can remember every fact under the sun, except his own boyfriend's birthday....!
[it's the first time they've had the chance to call each other in weeks - and it's like this.]
senri would still be upset, and he deserves to be, because taka did fuck up. but the fight would probably end if he did, and they could move on to trying to navigate through the hurt feelings and find a peaceful solution. it wouldn't be perfect, but it would still be better than fighting, and even if senri is angry right now, taka knows him well enough to understand that if senri knew there was an actual reason why taka forgot then he wouldn't stay hostile.
but
the problem is that both of them suffer from being very bad at backing down from a fight. it usually takes one of them storming off so they can cool down then regroup after to talk about it. but the only way to do that right now is to hang up, and because of the thousands and thousands of miles between them, it's really not the same as just storming out of the dorm room to take a quick walk around campus. ]
[he should calm down. because senri, when he's calmer, can navigate through social situations as easy as breathing. he could give taka the benefit of the doubt just one more time, and realize that his boyfriend cares about him, even if it hasn't felt like that lately. or maybe taka doesn't care about him as much lately, and even though it'd hurt, they'd be able to talk about it. when they're both level-headed, they can manage. just barely, and imperfectly, but they can.]
Don't tell me to be calm...! I've been calm for 24 hours!! Even if you didn't greet me right at midnight, or even first thing when you woke up, or whenever you might've even had a chance to think about it...!
When Yumapi called, when Hari called, when everyone else called - I said "No, Taka hasn't called yet, but he will!"
because of course everyone else remembered. senri knows so many people, has so many fans, that he was bound to be given birthday greeting after birthday greeting all day long. and taka feels shitty that he wasn't a part of that, enough that he actually starts to open his mouth to apologize
but then senri says the last part, and he clamps his mouth shut. he already knows he didn't do it right, he doesn't need the reminder. ]
... you're overreacting! It's just any other day! [ he doesn't mean that ] You've already gotten enough attention from everyone else, so don't be greedy!
[ he knows why it's different coming from him vs everyone else, but. ]
ah, it hurts. it punches him in the gut so hard that he can't respond for a second, shocked as he leans against the counter in his flat. his empty flat where his boyfriend isn't, because they're so far away that senri can't even tackle him or punch him for being rude and mean. he thinks about ways to fix this, like lying and admitting that taka's right - it's just any other day. he shouldn't be upset about it at all.
tell the truth and say that taka's words and feelings have always been more important to him than anyone else, and that's why he wanted to hear from him so badly.]
.... mm-hmmmm.
[his voice is softer, but he's not any calmer.]
That's true - what's the point of caring so much about my so-called boyfriend's greeting? When he hasn't said anything worthwhile to me in foreeever. Why did I care so much about two easy words from someone who doesn't care about me?
You're right, Shishimaru. I should stop getting my hopes up for you. Only an idiot would expect different results from someone who doesn't even try.
[ he almost hangs up right there, and it probably would be better if he did at this point
because taka is tired. so very tired, and he can't remember the last time he had a good night's sleep. even before this case started, he would still wake up in the middle of the night because something didn't feel quite right. and he tried to pretend it was because the temperature of the room was off, or because the cats outside were too noisy, but really it was because senri wasn't next to him. and it's only gotten worse, and the nap he just woke up from only managed to make his mood even worse than help
he's tired and irritated and that's never a good combo, especially for someone who is already known for being rude even on a good day. ]
Right. As if any amount of trying would be enough to fucking please you. Your standards are so high that I don't even know why I l-- [ he almost lets slip "love." almost, but he reels it in. ] like someone this self-centered.
You what? You like me? [he laughs. and the sound of it is hollow and mocking.] Are you sure?
[but he's known it to be true. he knows that even if it was hard to admit at first, that they weren't just faking, they did like each other. he liked and likes and loves taka some days that his heart squeezes painfully when he realizes that he's walking along tower bridge alone, when he hears a song that taka likes, and when his hand feels empty. that wasn't faked. so many things in senri's life still are but - that wasn't.
taka likes him too. he just forgot senri's birthday. it's not okay, but it's not a calamity.
but bundle it all together - the stress of being apart, the feeling of them not being as close as they were both physically and emotionally, the final disappointment - and senri says everything he doesn't mean.]
Just admit it. You've never liked me enough to actually learn how to care about someone else.
It's alright. I'll take the blame for ever thinking you could.
because he's always been bad at this. reaching out to others, and making connections, and not being scared to cross the bridge that'll allow him to depend on others. because after going to this school, taka has gotten better at admitting when people are his friends, and doing things to help them. but allowing others to do the same is still daunting
friendships are hard to make, but easily broken, and apparently love is too.
so he almost believes him, and thinks that maybe he just wanted this so badly that he imagined it all up. but it doesn't make sense, when you think about it. if taka really wanted to be with someone just for the sake of it, then why choose senri? there are plenty of people who are more like taka that would have been easier to get along with. so it wouldn't have had to be senri.
except it has to be him, because these feelings are real, and he knows they're real because this hurts way too much otherwise. ]
... fine. I'm a goddamn asshole. Is that what you want to hear? That I'm some uncaring jerk? Does that make you feel any better, you jackass?
[it doesn't. not at all. because now taka is lying, because taka isn't an asshole and he isn't an uncaring jerk. sometimes he does shit that's rude, and sometimes he's hard to get along with, but he's always cared plenty for the people he's decided are his friends. he'll care enough to tell them the truth, even if it's hard to hear. he'll make time for them and -
maybe senri just isn't part of that number anymore. maybe they were just together because they lived in the same room. maybe they got to like each other just because they were all they ever knew. maybe they really were just a bunch of dumb kids who thought they could make it.]
Why would that make me feel better - it just makes me feel like I wasted time!
[and he's yelling again, and he trades his calm cruelty for a blistering fire.]
because that's the question taka has been asking himself for a long time now, and every time that insecurity would find its way to the surface, senri always smoothed it back down with kind words and kisses. but now it's senri who's bringing it up.
he doesn't respond right away. instead he looks around the room, and he's suddenly hit with the realization that everything around him just reminds him of senri. in the grand scheme of things, senri hasn't been gone for that long, really. but seeing all his stuff strewn around, like he might just walk back in any minute now, it's
he's not sure what it is. ]
I don't know.
[ it's quiet, and it's the most honest thing he's said the whole conversation. it's the only thing he's said that isn't just for the sake of intentionally hurting senri. ]
... you don't want me anymore? You don't even care enough to pretend you'll do better?
[by any measure - that's not what taka said at all. but it's what senri hears. because they've fought before, they've fought countless times, and they've had to separate and regroup before they cooled down enough to talk again properly. but every time, they agreed to make it work. that overall this relationship was worth it, and they could try harder. taka would try harder to work with senri's expectations, and senri would try harder to meet taka where he was.
but if taka doesn't want to try anymore -
"As long as you want to try, I will too."
- maybe senri just isn't worth the effort to meet in the middle after all, and he doesn't know how to convince taka that he is.
the question is small, and it's sad, and it lasts for all of a few seconds.]
[because he doesn't want to lose. he's allowed to feel hurt, considering where they began. but he doesn't want to be sad, because being sad will feel more real and painful than being angry. so he lies.]
... Good! I was getting tired of bending over backwards to make excuses for you anyway!
and usually, taka would try to correct senri when he misunderstands like this. but he's so stunned by what senri says that he can't even reply right away. and it strikes him, right then and there, that while he always wondered why senri would choose him over someone else he didn't actually think they might break up.
it was a childish thought, probably. ]
... so you're breaking up with me?
[ of course he is. it's a miracle they lasted this long. they're too different. ]
it's not just that they're fighting a lot - rather, they talk so little that they don't fight anymore. they barely even chat. they miss phone calls and forget messages and even when the little bits of interaction are nice, they're not the same. this isn't the relationship that either of them wanted. and maybe if they fought, they'd be able to work it out with every fight - that's what they used to do. senri could handle that.
he's not sure if he can handle being forgotten.]
... I don't know what else I can do to make it work, Shishimaru.
[it's funny. it feels like when they were first partners, and he always tried to get away after all his attempts at peace fell through.]
[ he can't remember the last time senri called him by his family name
somehow, that makes it sink in a lot more quickly than it would have otherwise. he wonders if there's anything he can still say to fix this.
"i was too busy with work and forgot to call, but i really meant to. i'm sorry." "i want to keep trying. we can do better." "i love you."
but he can't bring himself to say of it. whether it's cowardice or heartbreak that's stopping him, he doesn't know anymore, but all he can manage to do is stare at the wall. ]
... you'd be a lot happier with someone else anyway.
[ it's not the first time taka has said this, but he knows senri won't disagree this time. ]
[there's a moment where senri breathes in sharply.
so that's it. taka gives up. they're not worth it anymore. he hadn't disagreed with anything that senri said and - that's it. it doesn't sink in for a second, because it was at the point where he forgot what it was like to be without taka entirely - they'd been partners for over a year, and dating for just a little bit shorter than that.
and just like that - they're not.
he thinks that taka sounds sad - maybe he hopes that he sounds sad - but just because they're both saddened doesn't mean that they actually want to try, or actually want to get any better.
no, they're past that now.
and despite that, senri's heart hasn't gotten the memo that he's supposed to have fallen out of love]
I - have to go.
[because he said that he couldn't keep going with their fractured relationship, but he's not strong enough to sit through watching it end either]
[ even if he says the truth now, he doesn't think he can save it anymore.
so he just doesn't say anything at all. and the thing is, taka knows that senri is a liar. and he knows that almost anything he just said could have been a lie, picked specifically to hurt taka. because they both get mean when they're angry, and usually it doesn't get this bad, but--
it's this bad.
so he could try to stop him. but he doesn't, because in the end, taka does think this is probably for the best, and that senri will end up a lot happier in the long run. and maybe it'll stop hurting. ]
... yeah. Me too.
[ there's a pause, like he isn't sure how to proceed from there. say bye? wish him a happy birthday? it seems a little cruel. but if senri doesn't like him anymore, then does it matter?
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no subject
he picked a fight and he got one - and yet staring down at the text still manages to upset him. he used his brain. he tried to give taka the benefit of the doubt and waited until there was no hope at all for either of them to still be on senri's birthday, and then that's when he lost all hope. even a last minute call would've left senri annoyed - but he would've been overall happier to just hear taka's voice at all.
but nothing. not a text. not a card. not a tweet. not even a roundabout greeting through yuma or touji.
but he can't think to express how angry he is through text alone.
so he calls.
and the second taka picks up, senri doesn't even say hello.]
I've been using my brain all day - trying to make up excuses for why a genius detective can remember every fact under the sun, except his own boyfriend's birthday....!
[it's the first time they've had the chance to call each other in weeks - and it's like this.]
no subject
senri would still be upset, and he deserves to be, because taka did fuck up. but the fight would probably end if he did, and they could move on to trying to navigate through the hurt feelings and find a peaceful solution. it wouldn't be perfect, but it would still be better than fighting, and even if senri is angry right now, taka knows him well enough to understand that if senri knew there was an actual reason why taka forgot then he wouldn't stay hostile.
but
the problem is that both of them suffer from being very bad at backing down from a fight. it usually takes one of them storming off so they can cool down then regroup after to talk about it. but the only way to do that right now is to hang up, and because of the thousands and thousands of miles between them, it's really not the same as just storming out of the dorm room to take a quick walk around campus. ]
You're way too loud. Calm down.
no subject
[he should calm down. because senri, when he's calmer, can navigate through social situations as easy as breathing. he could give taka the benefit of the doubt just one more time, and realize that his boyfriend cares about him, even if it hasn't felt like that lately. or maybe taka doesn't care about him as much lately, and even though it'd hurt, they'd be able to talk about it. when they're both level-headed, they can manage. just barely, and imperfectly, but they can.]
Don't tell me to be calm...! I've been calm for 24 hours!! Even if you didn't greet me right at midnight, or even first thing when you woke up, or whenever you might've even had a chance to think about it...!
When Yumapi called, when Hari called, when everyone else called - I said "No, Taka hasn't called yet, but he will!"
And you couldn't even do that right!
no subject
because of course everyone else remembered. senri knows so many people, has so many fans, that he was bound to be given birthday greeting after birthday greeting all day long. and taka feels shitty that he wasn't a part of that, enough that he actually starts to open his mouth to apologize
but then senri says the last part, and he clamps his mouth shut. he already knows he didn't do it right, he doesn't need the reminder. ]
... you're overreacting! It's just any other day! [ he doesn't mean that ] You've already gotten enough attention from everyone else, so don't be greedy!
[ he knows why it's different coming from him vs everyone else, but. ]
no subject
He's already gotten attention from everyone else.
ah, it hurts. it punches him in the gut so hard that he can't respond for a second, shocked as he leans against the counter in his flat. his empty flat where his boyfriend isn't, because they're so far away that senri can't even tackle him or punch him for being rude and mean. he thinks about ways to fix this, like lying and admitting that taka's right - it's just any other day. he shouldn't be upset about it at all.
tell the truth and say that taka's words and feelings have always been more important to him than anyone else, and that's why he wanted to hear from him so badly.]
.... mm-hmmmm.
[his voice is softer, but he's not any calmer.]
That's true - what's the point of caring so much about my so-called boyfriend's greeting? When he hasn't said anything worthwhile to me in foreeever. Why did I care so much about two easy words from someone who doesn't care about me?
You're right, Shishimaru. I should stop getting my hopes up for you. Only an idiot would expect different results from someone who doesn't even try.
no subject
because taka is tired. so very tired, and he can't remember the last time he had a good night's sleep. even before this case started, he would still wake up in the middle of the night because something didn't feel quite right. and he tried to pretend it was because the temperature of the room was off, or because the cats outside were too noisy, but really it was because senri wasn't next to him. and it's only gotten worse, and the nap he just woke up from only managed to make his mood even worse than help
he's tired and irritated and that's never a good combo, especially for someone who is already known for being rude even on a good day. ]
Right. As if any amount of trying would be enough to fucking please you. Your standards are so high that I don't even know why I l-- [ he almost lets slip "love." almost, but he reels it in. ] like someone this self-centered.
no subject
[but he's known it to be true. he knows that even if it was hard to admit at first, that they weren't just faking, they did like each other. he liked and likes and loves taka some days that his heart squeezes painfully when he realizes that he's walking along tower bridge alone, when he hears a song that taka likes, and when his hand feels empty. that wasn't faked. so many things in senri's life still are but - that wasn't.
taka likes him too. he just forgot senri's birthday. it's not okay, but it's not a calamity.
but bundle it all together - the stress of being apart, the feeling of them not being as close as they were both physically and emotionally, the final disappointment - and senri says everything he doesn't mean.]
Just admit it. You've never liked me enough to actually learn how to care about someone else.
It's alright. I'll take the blame for ever thinking you could.
no subject
because he's always been bad at this. reaching out to others, and making connections, and not being scared to cross the bridge that'll allow him to depend on others. because after going to this school, taka has gotten better at admitting when people are his friends, and doing things to help them. but allowing others to do the same is still daunting
friendships are hard to make, but easily broken, and apparently love is too.
so he almost believes him, and thinks that maybe he just wanted this so badly that he imagined it all up. but it doesn't make sense, when you think about it. if taka really wanted to be with someone just for the sake of it, then why choose senri? there are plenty of people who are more like taka that would have been easier to get along with. so it wouldn't have had to be senri.
except it has to be him, because these feelings are real, and he knows they're real because this hurts way too much otherwise. ]
... fine. I'm a goddamn asshole. Is that what you want to hear? That I'm some uncaring jerk? Does that make you feel any better, you jackass?
no subject
maybe senri just isn't part of that number anymore. maybe they were just together because they lived in the same room. maybe they got to like each other just because they were all they ever knew. maybe they really were just a bunch of dumb kids who thought they could make it.]
Why would that make me feel better - it just makes me feel like I wasted time!
[and he's yelling again, and he trades his calm cruelty for a blistering fire.]
I could've had anyone - so why did I choose you?!
no subject
because that's the question taka has been asking himself for a long time now, and every time that insecurity would find its way to the surface, senri always smoothed it back down with kind words and kisses. but now it's senri who's bringing it up.
he doesn't respond right away. instead he looks around the room, and he's suddenly hit with the realization that everything around him just reminds him of senri. in the grand scheme of things, senri hasn't been gone for that long, really. but seeing all his stuff strewn around, like he might just walk back in any minute now, it's
he's not sure what it is. ]
I don't know.
[ it's quiet, and it's the most honest thing he's said the whole conversation. it's the only thing he's said that isn't just for the sake of intentionally hurting senri. ]
You shouldn't have.
[1/2]
[by any measure - that's not what taka said at all. but it's what senri hears. because they've fought before, they've fought countless times, and they've had to separate and regroup before they cooled down enough to talk again properly. but every time, they agreed to make it work. that overall this relationship was worth it, and they could try harder. taka would try harder to work with senri's expectations, and senri would try harder to meet taka where he was.
but if taka doesn't want to try anymore -
"As long as you want to try, I will too."
- maybe senri just isn't worth the effort to meet in the middle after all, and he doesn't know how to convince taka that he is.
the question is small, and it's sad, and it lasts for all of a few seconds.]
no subject
... Good! I was getting tired of bending over backwards to make excuses for you anyway!
no subject
and usually, taka would try to correct senri when he misunderstands like this. but he's so stunned by what senri says that he can't even reply right away. and it strikes him, right then and there, that while he always wondered why senri would choose him over someone else he didn't actually think they might break up.
it was a childish thought, probably. ]
... so you're breaking up with me?
[ of course he is. it's a miracle they lasted this long. they're too different. ]
no subject
it's not just that they're fighting a lot - rather, they talk so little that they don't fight anymore. they barely even chat. they miss phone calls and forget messages and even when the little bits of interaction are nice, they're not the same. this isn't the relationship that either of them wanted. and maybe if they fought, they'd be able to work it out with every fight - that's what they used to do. senri could handle that.
he's not sure if he can handle being forgotten.]
... I don't know what else I can do to make it work, Shishimaru.
[it's funny. it feels like when they were first partners, and he always tried to get away after all his attempts at peace fell through.]
I don't think I can keep going like this.
no subject
somehow, that makes it sink in a lot more quickly than it would have otherwise. he wonders if there's anything he can still say to fix this.
"i was too busy with work and forgot to call, but i really meant to. i'm sorry."
"i want to keep trying. we can do better."
"i love you."
but he can't bring himself to say of it. whether it's cowardice or heartbreak that's stopping him, he doesn't know anymore, but all he can manage to do is stare at the wall. ]
... you'd be a lot happier with someone else anyway.
[ it's not the first time taka has said this, but he knows senri won't disagree this time. ]
no subject
so that's it. taka gives up. they're not worth it anymore. he hadn't disagreed with anything that senri said and - that's it. it doesn't sink in for a second, because it was at the point where he forgot what it was like to be without taka entirely - they'd been partners for over a year, and dating for just a little bit shorter than that.
and just like that - they're not.
he thinks that taka sounds sad - maybe he hopes that he sounds sad - but just because they're both saddened doesn't mean that they actually want to try, or actually want to get any better.
no, they're past that now.
and despite that, senri's heart hasn't gotten the memo that he's supposed to have fallen out of love]
I - have to go.
[because he said that he couldn't keep going with their fractured relationship, but he's not strong enough to sit through watching it end either]
no subject
so he just doesn't say anything at all. and the thing is, taka knows that senri is a liar. and he knows that almost anything he just said could have been a lie, picked specifically to hurt taka. because they both get mean when they're angry, and usually it doesn't get this bad, but--
it's this bad.
so he could try to stop him. but he doesn't, because in the end, taka does think this is probably for the best, and that senri will end up a lot happier in the long run. and maybe it'll stop hurting. ]
... yeah. Me too.
[ there's a pause, like he isn't sure how to proceed from there. say bye? wish him a happy birthday? it seems a little cruel. but if senri doesn't like him anymore, then does it matter?
so he just hangs up and turns off his phone. ]