[because he doesn't want to lose. he's allowed to feel hurt, considering where they began. but he doesn't want to be sad, because being sad will feel more real and painful than being angry. so he lies.]
... Good! I was getting tired of bending over backwards to make excuses for you anyway!
and usually, taka would try to correct senri when he misunderstands like this. but he's so stunned by what senri says that he can't even reply right away. and it strikes him, right then and there, that while he always wondered why senri would choose him over someone else he didn't actually think they might break up.
it was a childish thought, probably. ]
... so you're breaking up with me?
[ of course he is. it's a miracle they lasted this long. they're too different. ]
it's not just that they're fighting a lot - rather, they talk so little that they don't fight anymore. they barely even chat. they miss phone calls and forget messages and even when the little bits of interaction are nice, they're not the same. this isn't the relationship that either of them wanted. and maybe if they fought, they'd be able to work it out with every fight - that's what they used to do. senri could handle that.
he's not sure if he can handle being forgotten.]
... I don't know what else I can do to make it work, Shishimaru.
[it's funny. it feels like when they were first partners, and he always tried to get away after all his attempts at peace fell through.]
[ he can't remember the last time senri called him by his family name
somehow, that makes it sink in a lot more quickly than it would have otherwise. he wonders if there's anything he can still say to fix this.
"i was too busy with work and forgot to call, but i really meant to. i'm sorry." "i want to keep trying. we can do better." "i love you."
but he can't bring himself to say of it. whether it's cowardice or heartbreak that's stopping him, he doesn't know anymore, but all he can manage to do is stare at the wall. ]
... you'd be a lot happier with someone else anyway.
[ it's not the first time taka has said this, but he knows senri won't disagree this time. ]
[there's a moment where senri breathes in sharply.
so that's it. taka gives up. they're not worth it anymore. he hadn't disagreed with anything that senri said and - that's it. it doesn't sink in for a second, because it was at the point where he forgot what it was like to be without taka entirely - they'd been partners for over a year, and dating for just a little bit shorter than that.
and just like that - they're not.
he thinks that taka sounds sad - maybe he hopes that he sounds sad - but just because they're both saddened doesn't mean that they actually want to try, or actually want to get any better.
no, they're past that now.
and despite that, senri's heart hasn't gotten the memo that he's supposed to have fallen out of love]
I - have to go.
[because he said that he couldn't keep going with their fractured relationship, but he's not strong enough to sit through watching it end either]
[ even if he says the truth now, he doesn't think he can save it anymore.
so he just doesn't say anything at all. and the thing is, taka knows that senri is a liar. and he knows that almost anything he just said could have been a lie, picked specifically to hurt taka. because they both get mean when they're angry, and usually it doesn't get this bad, but--
it's this bad.
so he could try to stop him. but he doesn't, because in the end, taka does think this is probably for the best, and that senri will end up a lot happier in the long run. and maybe it'll stop hurting. ]
... yeah. Me too.
[ there's a pause, like he isn't sure how to proceed from there. say bye? wish him a happy birthday? it seems a little cruel. but if senri doesn't like him anymore, then does it matter?
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no subject
... Good! I was getting tired of bending over backwards to make excuses for you anyway!
no subject
and usually, taka would try to correct senri when he misunderstands like this. but he's so stunned by what senri says that he can't even reply right away. and it strikes him, right then and there, that while he always wondered why senri would choose him over someone else he didn't actually think they might break up.
it was a childish thought, probably. ]
... so you're breaking up with me?
[ of course he is. it's a miracle they lasted this long. they're too different. ]
no subject
it's not just that they're fighting a lot - rather, they talk so little that they don't fight anymore. they barely even chat. they miss phone calls and forget messages and even when the little bits of interaction are nice, they're not the same. this isn't the relationship that either of them wanted. and maybe if they fought, they'd be able to work it out with every fight - that's what they used to do. senri could handle that.
he's not sure if he can handle being forgotten.]
... I don't know what else I can do to make it work, Shishimaru.
[it's funny. it feels like when they were first partners, and he always tried to get away after all his attempts at peace fell through.]
I don't think I can keep going like this.
no subject
somehow, that makes it sink in a lot more quickly than it would have otherwise. he wonders if there's anything he can still say to fix this.
"i was too busy with work and forgot to call, but i really meant to. i'm sorry."
"i want to keep trying. we can do better."
"i love you."
but he can't bring himself to say of it. whether it's cowardice or heartbreak that's stopping him, he doesn't know anymore, but all he can manage to do is stare at the wall. ]
... you'd be a lot happier with someone else anyway.
[ it's not the first time taka has said this, but he knows senri won't disagree this time. ]
no subject
so that's it. taka gives up. they're not worth it anymore. he hadn't disagreed with anything that senri said and - that's it. it doesn't sink in for a second, because it was at the point where he forgot what it was like to be without taka entirely - they'd been partners for over a year, and dating for just a little bit shorter than that.
and just like that - they're not.
he thinks that taka sounds sad - maybe he hopes that he sounds sad - but just because they're both saddened doesn't mean that they actually want to try, or actually want to get any better.
no, they're past that now.
and despite that, senri's heart hasn't gotten the memo that he's supposed to have fallen out of love]
I - have to go.
[because he said that he couldn't keep going with their fractured relationship, but he's not strong enough to sit through watching it end either]
no subject
so he just doesn't say anything at all. and the thing is, taka knows that senri is a liar. and he knows that almost anything he just said could have been a lie, picked specifically to hurt taka. because they both get mean when they're angry, and usually it doesn't get this bad, but--
it's this bad.
so he could try to stop him. but he doesn't, because in the end, taka does think this is probably for the best, and that senri will end up a lot happier in the long run. and maybe it'll stop hurting. ]
... yeah. Me too.
[ there's a pause, like he isn't sure how to proceed from there. say bye? wish him a happy birthday? it seems a little cruel. but if senri doesn't like him anymore, then does it matter?
so he just hangs up and turns off his phone. ]